Evila

Comes rarely 

But it's bliss

Think about you a lot you know 

You actually don't know 

like the idea of you 

More 

Then 

You.

Need something to entertain me when there's too many white walls and empty spaces in my mind 

When feeling my vibe 

I want you to feel it too 

Feel my realist self with

Uhh

You.

That's a lie 

but I want it to be true 

I lie to myself a lot 

Because your not real 

But there's moments of you

I see them 

And in them

I see you 

Just pieces 

Never the whole thing

maybe that's it. 

The puzzle never complete

But if I find enough pieces to make some kind of picture 

That's what I want

Not settling 

But realistic 

I'm still here 

Waiting for you to find me

And put my pieces together 

Too see if my picture is

good 

Enough 

For

You.

World ass high school

I know where the ass is in world class

I know this because I'm 18 and I still have to ask 

To get a friggin hall pass

Live in a system of busy work

Shophmore girls think the only way to get a boy is to twerk 

Make them notice you, even if this isnt you, this isn't you anymore 

But your older now, it's ok, just go in and close the door. You weren't noticed before 

at least now your a noticed whore 

Do whatever to ease the pressure of peers 

Even if that means late nights hinding the tears 

You got artificial friends

walk around plastic but don't worry there all 10's

Just fit in, it's going to be okay 

just hold on till the second wind decides to kick in

No it's okay it's not technically a sin 

Just so you know our class system here is whack

 we live in a age where oh he's hot, did you get some fat tap? 

You didn't why not? 

try fixing ur numbers on Instagram,

make your self seem like a celebrity not a just a fan 

Post a selfie make him realize there's more to you

there's a pixelized version too, 

maybe he didn't see you all the way through 

perfection of your face and body, 

filters to cover the mistakes

it's a new found hobby

unwanted blemishes and skin tones 

You hate but didn't choose God gave you those 

On top of all that your life is simplified down to a number 

It's black & white there's no room for creativity and wonder 

Your score is your future that's it.

You think there's more to your life? Thier tell you that's a buch of shit 

The number is everything 

You can dance, you can write, you can sing? 

It's only important for that solar ship, Congrats you just sold your sole, and a free ride is your tip

Didn't even have time to shallow 

Now your walking down the halls with only the traces of someone to fallow 

Your going off alone, something new and exciting 

But that choice you made is far away from arriving 

Was it the right one, 

Your never know, feeling weighs you down a ton

We've been preparing our whole life's for this they say

go to collage and your make twice the pay

Knowledge is everything 

Power is gain

Yes it hurts to grow up 

It's time for you to feel our pain 

A year from now loaded with stress, 

More then You ever felt looking for a homecoming dress

Bills to pay your own mouth to feed 

Without your mommy to hear your pled

Having to pay for your own toilet paper 

But don't have a job. 

In high school you were just the known vaper

What is work

I always had money that I just took 

The fund is nonexistent 

I want to be the 3yr old in a grocery store  and throw a fit

I really hope collage is how Asher Roth tells it 

But then again I can't party my whole life and have no intelligence or wit 

in this alone 

With no where else to go 

I can feel my own anxiety  

Even as I put these words down to writing 

I'm not prepared for this 

Watch ticking on my wrist  

Bye childhood 

Hello things I don't want to do 

but should 

We Live in an age of infected people who are narcissistic 

Who love to edit their lives while also editing their pics

Thanks lone peak 

I really learned how to become one 

One with myself 

& how to enjoy others peoples wealth 

Not the important stuff tho 

But hey I did kiss so and so 

Wondering if it all matters 

Or if in the end I'll end up being some waiter serving food off platters 

Being seniors 

is for wieners 

I didn't learn mathematics or books 

Just how to improve my looks 

Just enough to go through this high school of world class 

Enough to pass, and become in sink with the world of the people of fake ass 

Sorry for my attempt at rap

I'm too white 

And too girl.

Not trying to be no Austin Earl 

Word up to Rhonda 

This is lyrics about your school 

I call it a songda loll

Now can I just please be considered cool. 

Tourist brick.

scared I will turn out like my mother.

There's two types of people in this world. Those who are fine and those who have every illness know to man

I grew up with the second type.

I'm scared that if I get sick, I wont  know if I'm really getting sick or is it just MENTAL

I scared to be dependent because that's all you were 

Hospital bills stacked 10ft tall, high enough to dunk

dunk millions of unheard dieases and illnesses into an arena full of excuses and dulisons 

As the crowd on the stand watches, cheering for rare moments when your real self shows, the real self without a problem

Could it be all for sympathy

Or just for the drama 

a storyteller for a living

Writes dramas

lives a drama. 

Maybe there's a reason I don't have a lot of girl friends. 

And I reason I need yoga and the moutains 

Reason I'm attracted to guys with chill  personalities and poor choices

Maybe a reason for the anxiety 

I'm not blaming you 

But you showed me what I don't like

There's good about you and then there's bad.

The day you told me you wanted to disOWN me, I knew. 

I was unloading your car full of groceries while you were unloading yourself on me. I realized something.

 age 14. 

you don't want to be my mom.

And that your actually not required to love me. 

It didn't come in the small fine print on the back side of my birth certificate. 

No it's a choice 

You raised me 

Taught me

I saw the good 

But then you stopped rasing me 

And It got easier to realize the bad

I know I sound harsh

I'm just trying to write words on a dumb blog post for Creative writing. 

And this is what's coming out 

We've never really talked about this before and I've never had to

But It's amazing what u can teach yourself by just writing words down. 

I honestly don't think about you too much and your effect on my life NOW is little to none. 

you got mad at me for ripping up my art

Told me it was to good to do that and the imperfections are what makes it mine own

taught me about nutrition, habits

Started my love for books

Forced me to do yard work for hours and hours, which taught me a good work ethic 

Made me hang out with siblings, then became close with them 

Incouraged creativity 

Discouraged technolgy 

Develop me in more then just one talent 

And I'm very grateful for those things you gave me.

Your part of who I am today but not apart of what I am today

I'm not going to parent my kids like you 

But I'm me and your you

And I'm sorry I've always called you crazy

Cause we're all crazy

But force talking on the phone for 3ish minutes every 50 ish days, 7ish times in 364 3/4 ish days a year does not help.

Lying to me to make your life exciting and dramatic doesn't appeal to me

Your a storyteller 

You've published books cause of it 

But 

I miss my little sisters like hell.

So then again with the two types of people in the world. Their are those who are mothers and those who choose to be 

 And I think I'm fine with what you choose 

White Picket Fence

This is for me but your reading it

I want a white picket fence

I don't think I really believe in it

But I'm going to keep believing in it cause it's all I have to believe in. It makes it all worth it. 

Someone once told me that there's a guy out there that loves me for me. Unconditionally and true. For all of me. I just haven't met him yet

He loves me for all of me. All  my insane sleep cycles. scattered but precise taste in music. abnormal obession with anti-origization in all things which happen to be organized. That's last sentence actually only makes sense if youve seen my room. My annoyance of fake. love for the outdoors. nervousness tendency of brushing my teeth. Spazy moods. need to create. very dry humor. opinionated beliefs which are frequent, and very unconsitent. habit of forgetting. want to be alone. very dependent  independencies. my anxiety. fault of restlessness. My delusions, like the want I have to drop everything to move to Alaska and become Hindu. drive to perfection in talents. hate of working. my anger. lack of patience. passion for sports. love of adrenaline. misleading intentions. awful ability for directions. imperfect body. Habit of indulgence. Picky eater. Clingyness to artistic souls. Love of soundtracks. Too round of face and too thin eyebrows too big of legs too pale of skin tone. And your telling me. That's there's really someone out there that   

Really loves me for all me 

That's just fricken hard to believe. 

If there really is a soul out there that can match mine

Equal me out 

Then that's just insane. 

White picket fence 

American Dream

2 kids 1 boy 1 girl 

Loving husband 

Middle class

Pourch swing

Not a worry in the world 

Perfection

I hope it's real

Even though I don't believe it is 

It's all I got